


It Was Always Love

by bestGuesses



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Castiel (Supernatural) Dies Temporarily, Castiel and Dean Winchester Falling in Love, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Casual love confession, Cuddling, Cuddling Castiel/Dean Winchester, Denial of Feelings, Destiel - Freeform, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Love Confessions, M/M, Ouch, Sad Dean Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporary Character Death, im terrible at tags, this hurt to write ngl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 17:57:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18078245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bestGuesses/pseuds/bestGuesses
Summary: HUGE TW FOR ALCOHOLISM AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. PLEASE P L E A S E STAY SAFE AND DO NOT READ THIS IF THOSE TRIGGER YOUDean Winchester was always in love with Castiel. It just took a while to realize it.





	It Was Always Love

**Author's Note:**

> im just gonna repeat this to be safe. if you are triggered by excessive alcohol usage or implied suicidal thoughts, please do not read this. this story gets really bad (angst-wise) before it gets better

Dean Winchester's life was confusing. Hunting creatures that shouldn't have ever been created in the first place, dying repeatedly, and God knew what else (quite literally, Chuck had written an entire book about his life.) Somehow, that still wasn't the strangest thing. Instead, that title was taken by the dark-haired, blue-eyed angel who resided in their home; Castiel. There had always been something going on between them, although he denied it with every bone in his body. It wasn't like it was hard to notice either, everyone knew. So, Dean repressed it, as he did everything else that confused or scared him. Dean always knew he wasn't straight, and Sam did too. It was like an unspoken agreement that Dean was bi, although he had never acted on it.

At least not until Castiel came along.

From the first moment he had seen the handprint on his shoulder, the angel's failed attempts to communicate with him, Dean knew Castiel was going to be different. At first, he tried (and failed) to completely push it out of the way. That didn't go as planned when every time the angel so much as glanced at him, he'd get flustered. Then he tried flirting, which either seemed to confuse or anger him. Then came pushing away, hating, going with the awkward no-homo in every situation, and eventually just giving in. Somehow, that managed to work the best. Dean knew Castiel at the very least  _liked_ him, as elementary as it was. Given how the angel had never experienced romantic attraction, he wasn't great at hiding when it first came up. Eventually, it grew into something more casual, a subtle brushing of hands against each other, a hand on a shoulder whenever they could. They just couldn't seem to stop touching each other. The few times they had ever crossed a line was when they believed they'd never see each other again. Dean could clearly recall when he and the angel had held hands in Purgatory, and although he hadn't realized it back then, he knew that Castiel only initiated it because he believed it would be the last time he'd ever be able to. As the portal took him, he could see everything left unsaid in Castiel's eyes.

When Cas returned, Dean was shocked. He had finally given up on his hopes of ever seeing the angel again, and then he was there. They never mentioned what had happened in Purgatory, but they knew. The next few years were spent never really talking about that experience, instead sharing knowing looks and unnecessary touches. Occasionally, they'd fall asleep together on the couch in Dean's "man-cave," cuddled up with smiles on their faces. Sam had generously shared pictures he had snapped of them like that, to which Dean just frowned and took a drink of his beer. Nobody needed to know that the picture was saved onto his phone. They spent the years like that, mostly content with the little contact they got. Occasionally, while Castiel was at full power, he'd catch him in the corner of his eye in his dreams, watching over him and checking for nightmares. Everything was good, at least until Castiel died.

It was so sudden, one second he was there and the next there was a blade through his chest- his wings charred into the ground. The last sign of his power burnt up. When Sam went inside to check on Jack, Dean couldn't leave Castiel there. He sat there for hours.

He cried.

Sam had to practically drag him away as he screamed in the agonizing pain of the loss of the angel. As he was being dragged away, all he could recall was his final scream to Castiel.

"I love you."

Sam and Mary had brought his body inside while Dean drank. He drank until he couldn't see straight. He drank until everything was a thick haze. He drank until he thought he was going to die. The worst part was, it didn't even scare him. Hell, a part of him had that as the intention. Whatever drove him to sober up for a day was unknown to him, but when he stepped into the cold room where Cas was, he felt numb. There was nothing he could feel, he had cried all of his tears. He had run dry.

He hated it.

When he took the sheet off of the angel's face, he stared at his unmoving features. The steady rise and fall of his chest was gone. The color in his eyes was gone. There was nothing there.

Dean covered him back up.

He tore the curtains down, vaguely recalling a few cultures he had picked up on. He knew he couldn't just let him die. He had to do something. He wrapped the curtains around his body, his fingers working swiftly to finish the tie. He knew Sam would recognize his actions, hell, Mary probably would too, but he found he couldn't care.

During the funeral, he was cold. He said little to nothing, his face void of any feeling. Nobody said anything, just watched the smoke rise in the air as the morning sun peeked over the mountains.

And then Dean disappeared.

He wasn't sure what else to do, so he disappeared. He drank, had a few one-night-stands, and drank more. It took a while for him to return, and he could feel his heart wrench at the sight of his family. He spent late nights staring at pictures of them together on the couch, crying into his pillow. It hurt so much, and yet he was helpless. Drinking stopped helping, sex wasn't fulfilling, and he sure as hell wasn't about to talk about his feelings. Dean knew he was dropping, and he was dropping hard. He knew he wasn't healthy.

He had a plan.

Then he got a phone call. An unknown number and an all-too-familiar voice.

Dean had never drove faster.

When they finally arrived to Cas' location, Dean stared in shock. There he was- alive. It took all of Dean's willpower not to just kiss him right there on the spot. He was alive.

That night, Castiel stayed in Dean's room again, sitting on the foot of the bed. Almost immediately after falling asleep, Dean began to thrash wildly. It took a while for Castiel to calm him down and wake him up. He moved up next to Dean and watched as he drifted back to sleep. It didn't take long for the nightmare to resume. Castiel woke him up as swiftly as he could manage. He was in a cold sweat, trembling wildly.

"Dean, what's going on?" He questioned.

"'s nothing, Cas," Dean forced a smile, "See, I'm fine."

"You've had two nightmares in the span of half an hour. You're not fine. What are you dreaming about?"

"I don't wanna talk about it," He flipped over dramatically, yanking the blanket up to his neck.

"Dean. I'm alive. Look," Castiel grabbed his hand and placed it over his chest, "Do you feel that?"

"Cas, I get it. You're alive. It's kind of hard to tell dream-me that, just don't worry about it. I'm used to it."

"You shouldn't be used to it Dean. This isn't something that you can just brush off," He stated.

"Well I am!" Dean explained in annoyance. Castiel sighed heavily before kicking his shoes off. He slipped his trenchcoat and suit jacket off of his shoulders, then removed his tie.

"Scoot over Dean."

"What?"

"Scoot over," He repeated. Dean complied, and he laid down next to him, "Put your head on my chest."

"What the hell, Cas?"

"Just do it, Dean." 

Dean complied, albeit reluctantly, and attempted to get comfortable without crushing the angel. That's when he realized he could hear the steady thumping of his heartbeat from his position.

"I think this is where we're supposed to say 'no homo,' Cas," He joked.

"Shut up," He cracked smiled in response.

"You know you love me." Castiel just rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around him, taking a hand and carding it through Dean's hair.

Right before he drifted off, Dean felt a gentle press of lips to his forehead. There were no more nightmares that night.

The next morning after breakfast, Dean sat down in the man-cave and flicked the TV on. Dr. Sexy was already on, so Dean just sat back and watched. He recalled it as the episode where they were having prom inside of the hospital, giving a soft smile to the screen, although he was aware of the tragedy about to happen. After about ten minutes, the couch sank down and Castiel had joined him.

"How did you sleep?" Cas asked, taking a sip of the coffee in his hand. It confused Dean as to why the angel would feel the need to drink anything, but he discarded the thought.

"I slept fine. You make a pretty damn good pillow," He chuckled. Castiel laughed along, rolling his eyes. He smiled at Dean's joy, subtly resting his hand on his knee. In response, Dean rested his head on Castiel's shoulder and placed his hand on top of the angel's, and he simply smiled like an idiot.

"Just curious, how long have we known each other?" Dean asked, still snuggled up to Cas.

"About ten years, why?"

"I've loved you for ten years yet haven't acted on it until today," He shook his head and laughed.

"I quite literally fell for you, Dean Winchester. This could have happened years ago."

"Well now we have today, don't we?" Dean lifted his head and crawled over the angel, kissing him gently. It was nothing more than a press of lips, yet it was somehow the most perfect thing to ever happen to Dean. When they broke apart, Dean simply rested his forehead against Castiel's and smiled, his eyes lighting up in laughter.

"I've always loved you, this entire time, but it took 10 years for this to happen?" He teased. Cas just rolled his eyes and kissed him again, smiling into it.

"I love you, Dean."

"I love you too, angel."


End file.
